Darkness

Darkness, my old friend. But I find nothing friendly about it. Take a dive into my depression with me.

How do I put into words the empty feeling that washes over me. I stare blankly at nothing and just freeze. I have even made some wonder if I’m having a stroke. At least for that little bit of time my mind stops racing. Any other time of day its anxiety runs my life. My daughter needs this, my husband must do that, I still need to do the other thing. What bill is coming out next. Dishes, laundry, work, cleaning, blogging, I’m trying not to break again. I take time to myself. I take “self-care” showers. I work on puzzles. I listen to audio books. And now I have this blog. Being able to get the wild and crazy thoughts out of my head have even quieted the things the voices are saying. I wish I knew what to do about the darkness and fatigue. When everything is too quiet. I’m past the point of crying all the time. So how is it that I’m still depressed. I should be fine. Yet there feels like… I don’t know how to say this thing that is in me, eating at me. It has been here so long. As long as I can remember. Y9ou would think I could talk to people about it now, but it won’t let me. It controls me. It steals what joy I find. I have a husband whom I love unconditionally, I have my daughter who is my whole world. The darkness is not satisfied with them. Yet it will let me keep them. It lets me live and love, it lets me laugh and hug, it lets me show happiness. This is the mask I wear. My loved ones know I struggle, but I’m not sure they know or can comprehend the depth the darkness runs. I’ll keep trying to stay here. I never want to leave. If they are alive and loving me, I will stay. I will pray they understand one day and pray they forgive me.